Rubbish Date (2)

Okay, this wasn't so much a one off date, more like someone I dated a couple of times.

The time when I knew that it wasn't working out as he was a crap date was apparent when I fell asleep once.

When he was apparently (and I say apparently because I truly don't know) enthusiastically giving me a blow job.

And (apparently) I snored.

And he got upset, stopped his great gesture of love (because he told me he was in love with me after 2 glasses of wine) and turned over and went to sleep. On my Brand New Egyptian Cotton Sheets.

I got all of this in an email as I didn't see him the next day as he'd left early for work. Mornings are never a good time for me as I'm all bleary and tired, so I traipsed into the kitchen, made a super-duper espresso and went back to my room.

And that is when I saw The Rubbish Date Shroud. On said Brand New Egyptian Cotton Pillowcase.

I looked at it in bewilderment, and it stared back at me impassively. Obviously so because the thing had no eyes by the imprint of his face was now left with me. At this point I started to panic: Would the stains ever come off? Was it waterproof foundation or just concealer? (a hell of a lot of concealer, mind) What brand/make was it? (Because I'd heard from a girlfriend that the cheap stuff was normally more difficult to remove)

Then I relaxed and remembered that I could take it down and ask Maria at the lovely laundrette to remove the make up, but on the way there I felt embarrassed, like a teenager bundling the remnants of his wet dream into the washing machine.

So I did the only thing left. I washed the sheets on 90 degrees. And when the ghost mask still stared back at me forlornly I did the Next Best Thing.

I dyed the sheets Dark Blue.

And till today my rule when I go on dates* is that I'll always touch them lightly on their cheeks as if in affection, but actually checking if they're wearing any make up at all...

*Obviously not anymore now with Other Half around. And he doesn't wear make up, but I've been known to slap a bit of eyeliner on to complete my oh so cool, faux punk look.