Does He Love You?

The very first time I went to see the Sing-Along-A-Sound-Of-Music, it was the gayest affair of watching a classic that had been around for ages. For those of you who are not familiar, this extravaganza happened every Friday evening at the Prince Charles Cinema in Leiceister Square in London. Normally movies shown here were typically those you really wanted to see when they first came out, but never got round to it, and so because by the time they appeared at the PCC, the movies would already be out on DVD and so you would normally watch it in the comfort of your own home. Also, the average price per movie aould be in the region of £2.50 if you were a member, and £3 for those of you who weren't. This made it a great place to hang out when at university, and we'd regularly pop our own corn in the mirowave at home the night before, and stock up on cheap fizzy drinks from the 99p shop in anticipation of one of our PCC outings.

Anyway I digress. The whole reason why I went to the Sing-Along is forgotten, but I do remember the immense amount of fun I had. Firstly, the tickets were £10 each which I was quite reluctant to pay for, given I had this on DVD at home. But with lots of cajoling I eventually paid my note and went in, whereby I was asked for another £10 if I wanted the Sing-Along pack. From what I could make out, the pack contained a miniature foam board, the kind you'd use when swimming; a black and white hankie; various strips of paper, and some scraps of fabric and maybe even a whistle. Now my interest was piqued.

As in ever pantomime, there is always a prompt in the audience that shouts out 'Behind you!', or 'Oh no it isn't' or some equally innane phrase that normally drives me up the wall. Why I'd was watching a pantomime in the first place I really can't remember, but again I digress. The Sing-Along was like one giant karaoke event, where everyone was singing along to the words that appeared on the screen, along with the little bouncing ball indicator, and every time something was about to happen there would be a veteran Sing-Along-er that would prompt us with 'Behind you!' (for the curtains, and the Baroness) and 'The Eyebrows!' for the Baroness. There would also be lots of booing and hissing (the Nazi's, and again the Baroness) and cheering (Maria, the children, the nuns. Yes, the nuns.)

The Sing-Along pack contained all the useless paraphernalia that made the Sing-Along even more enjoyable. Of course, I was sulking that I didn't get one, but in retrospect glad, otherwise it would be another small contribution to the world's problem of waste disposal. When 'Climb Every Mountain' came on, everyone was waving the miniature foam board which was in the shape of a tampon profile, I mean, mountain, and when the nuns came on, all the black and white hankies went on the heads and How To Solve A Problem Like Maria was generally butchered by those who thought it funny to substitute 'Maria' with various forms of obscenities and other peoples names which spanned 1-2 syllables or 4 syllables, but never 3.

So anyway, the title of the post comes from the song Does He Love You by Reba McIntyre and Linda Davis, and although the lyrics are powerful, it must be said that the generically bland leading man is a bit gormless, and the whole set up for the video makes me want to shout out the following phrases at the following times as well as making the following observations:



0.07: Feathered cuffs and detail on the lapels that are all PINK

0.09: Introduction of generic photograph of generically bland man that you'd find in photoframes worldwide.

0.16: The Nostrils! The Nostrils!

0.24: WTF? It looks like they've been superimposed on some American primary election crowd that is cheering.

0.37: Ouch, that must hurt, but wait a moment, it was with her BARE HANDS. She must be ANGRY. Well, I'd be angry too made to wear that hideous pink get-up.

0.43: The Hair! The Hair!

0.55: 'Smile, look like you're enjoying it, like you're wearing the dress instead of her. Yes, that's the smile...'

1.11: 'Keep focussing on the dress you get to wear later...'

1.15: The NOSE! THE NOSE!

1.23: 'Poor Shelley, what a crap nose job'

1.26: 'Excuse ME?'

1.29: 'Oh no you don't sister, the dress is MINE'

1.36: 'HAH, I can see SPINACH on her TEETH'

1.37: 'You're NOT getting the dress'

1.49: PASTEL BLAZERS? Yuck

1.55: 'Is this over yet? Bland Boy is really boring me now... meh...'

2.00: SUSPENSE... Is it a genie?

2.02: YAWN...

2.06: WTF??? I mean seriously WTF IS SHE WEARING?

2.14: Murder in her eyes. And those NOSTRILS.

2.35: Seriously, if I were going to an Arabian Nights themed party I'll knock on her door and ask to borrow that headpiece. Its even got inbuild blades on the side so you can slit your wrists on it in shame as everyone thinks "WTF is he WEARING?"

3.00: The grim reaper, with big nostrils, to sense (or should that be to 'scents'?) death.

3.27: You're going in a SPEEDBOAT love, not a friggin yacht, take that stupid hat off, but leave the shoulder pads in, they're good as a drowning device.

It gets pretty boring after that, but I love the finale, which is promptly ruined by the shouting of the video director after that...

Does he love me? Not if my fashion sense turns into that, which is most definitely what will happen if I found out OH was going out with someone with Big Nostrils and Bad Fashion Sense, and only then so because I'd never see them together because my head would be swathed, suffocating in that turbanic nightmare while I fashioned a noose out of the feather boa.