Nightmare Before Christmas...

9.27 am standing outside of John Lewis, gazing longingly at the buff security guard with the magic keys to open the doors.

9.28 am people are gathering round me, slowly invading my aura. All I want is to get to the cash point just beyond the doors because all the rest of the cash points round the back of the building are flashing miserable 'We Are Sorry But There Is A Fault' in lurid neon green and lets be honest, these machines are so unfeeling that they are NOT sorry at all. And they don't think twice of spitting your card out in disdain when the tell you that you 'DO NOT HAVE SUFFICIENT FUNDS' in again, lurid green neon but in CAPS so everyone standing in the queue behind you has to turn away in embarrassment when you meekly take your card and walk away.

9.29 am the Security Guard is approaching the door... Oh bugger, he's gone back inside again.

9.30 am still no sign of Security Guard..

9.32 am YAY, oomph... someone just pushed past me... doors open, Cash Point here I come...

9.35 am YAY YAY YAY (I've been a good boy this year) and I have CASH. Now to go get some breakfast...

9.42 am the place is like a dream, its early in the morning and its quiet although the place is full of people milling about. The cosmetics counters glow with the eerie promise of Less Wrinkles but they are bathed in the harsh light that only serves to make you look like your skin is like sandpaper and which only ever seems to bathe over cosmetic counters.

9.43 am the strange thing about the surroundings is that we're in the Women's Section but it is overrun by Men. Men looking Very Harrassed and Very Panicked clutching bits of paper and Post-Its looking furtively at Things In Boxes that have lots of promised goodies. One can only assume that these are the Hen-Pecked Husbands who feel that they are Duty Bound to buy a present that they know the wife will hate and use as Grounds For Divorce. Those men who are really in the know will do one of the following:

1. Ask a Personal Shopper
2. Ask wife's Gay Best Mate
3. Ask their Gay Best Mate
4. Ask their PA
5. Take her on holiday

For those women in the know, subtle but firm hint should be dropped throughout the year, for example, 'Darling, you know how so-and-so commented how I look good for my age? Well, I heard there's this amazing cream that will guarantee me to look that age. I think its called, erm, Créme de la Mer, or something like that... Oh don't be silly, Nivea just simply doesn't have all the nutrients my skin needs...'

Or something along those lines...