Things That Make You Smile...

...when you're feeling low:

- Fortnum and Mason's clock bells chiming Silent Night before their uniformed staff open their doors.

It is the 22nd of Sodding December and even as more and more people are swapping turkey for the more traditional goose, and more and more people are 'Bah-Humbug'-ing there is still the Mad Rush of people grabbing presents off the shelf and muttering curses at the number of relatives they have to buy for. Amongst the throng of people I am slowly losing my patience, having turned up at Selfridges yesterday after meticulously planning my shopping list and finding the following:

1. They've changed part of the layout
2. They've hired even more annoying Perfume Sprayers positioned at every corner and at the end of every escalator to douse you with Eau de Toilette. The thing is it wouldn't be so bad if it was just was one scent but this is a multitude of scents and you end up smelling like a Toilet.
3. They've only gone and sold out of 4 items I wanted to buy, which means its back to the drawing board.

- Children in Victorian Dress singing carols on London Bridge.

Back to my rant.

All I want is the elusive Goodwill Towards Fellow Shoppers and Service With a Smile. Instead I've been getting the boring PC 'Happy Holidays' and Service With a Snarl. I'm tempted to respond with Happy Hannukah and hand out Jehovah's Witness Handbooks, but first I'll use said handbooks to shield me from the Manic Perfume Sprayers, that way when I get to giving them out you not only get to read about Heaven, you get to have a waft of what Heaven smells like (according to Calvin Klein, Donna Karan, Armani et al)

This year I am making a duck. So far I've concocted the recipe in my head, researched it, made a list of the ingredients, bought all ingredients and I'm all ready to go. Apart from one small glitch: I have forgotten to Buy The Duck. So I look up 192.c0m and various other search engines to find a local butcher to bag a duck. I find 5 listings around my vincinity for Butchers In Camden and so in alphabetical order I start to ring.

First Butcher: 'Sorry, no duck mate. Turkey crown still available' (I HATE turkey with a passion)

Second Butcher: 'No duck'

Third Butcher: 'No duck'

At this rate I'm thinking that I might ring up EuroDisney and invite Donald over for Christmas Dinner.

Fourth Butcher: 'Whaddoyowan?'
Me: 'Duck'
FB: 'Holl on'
Me: 'Okay'
FB (another voice): 'yes?'
Me: 'I'd like to make an order for a duck, collection Saturday morning if possible'
FB: 'Thats £20.99 mate'
Me: 'WHAT??? Did it lay bloody golden eggs?'
FB: 'Nope, but it the last few that we have and they're Kosher'

Looks like I'll be celebrating Hannukah after all...