Taking Stock...

In the last week I have received approximately 234 emails. Out of that number approximately 154 of those were attributed to Making-Your-Penis-Grow-4"-More-By-Christmas, Improve-Your-Sex-Life, and Free-Porn-And-We'll-Throw-In-A-Free-Casserole-Dish-(Limted edition) while you're at it.

Firstly, I wouldn't know what to do or how I would react with an extra 4" on my appendage. Would it feel weird? Would it give me more confidence? Would I have to change my entire inventory of underwear to fit? And the questions continue... if a man had a penile extension would it make him feel more manly, like when women get boob jobs they feel more womanly?

And I do not need a new casserole dish. (well, yet, anyway unless Big flatmate decides not to do any of the washing up he has accumulated by the sink and in no way am I going to succumb to playing housemaid and cleaning up after anyone)

Ooh, I think that's my first NY resolutions.

But I digress...

The rest of the emails are made up of various website deals and idle chat that gets exchanged while I'm at work. A constant flurry and ping-pong of messages to brighten up my day so I can get through the stale fug of institutionalised air that surrounds my workplace and little enticements of A Fabulous Time to be had later in the evening that gets me through the afternoon and allows me to slip my Cosmopolitan Tinted Glasses back on and churn out letters at manic speed.

A few other emails are of the 'Its Year End And We're Taking Stock Of The Years Events' variety. In the last few years while I have been living life in Wild Gay Abandon, I have often given these emails no more than a cursory glance and then dismissed with some disdain the fact that other people should think that their lives are important enough to share with the world how frequently they take valium and how often they contemplate on 'sending Tallulah to the local comprehensive in order for her to learn the value of things in life' et al.

However, this year I have been More Grown Up. I have read them all and in depth, and I now realise it's not out sheer egocentricity or even trying to rub others noses in the fact that so-and-so has seen half the world on Daddys Platinum Card, but it is in fact a very good way of emptying all that innane chatter that clouds your clarity and also a great way of having One Big Conversation with everyone.

I should perhaps consider this approach and thus take stock of 2005 and mass mail everyone.

I'd save SO much on phone bills.

And I wouldn't have to be two faced about telling people I don't really want to see that 'we absolutely must meet up, there's so much to catch up on...'

I can just say, 'Didn't you read my mass mail?'

That would really get on their tits.